[laughter] president obama, you had some great jokes. it was a pleasure watching you stand here and do what i do. now it is only fair that i get to do what you do. that is right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes i will be mired in a dysfunctional standoff with congress. this is going to be fun. [laughter] i would like to formally congratulate the president on his reelection. congratulations. [applause] as you all know, he is hard at creating jobs. since he was first selected, the number of popes has doubled. [laughter] and the number of tonight show hosts has tripled. congratulations. [laughter] while i'm at it, i would like to congratulate president george w. bush on big dedication of his presidential library. yes, the library has millions of books, articles, and documents and if you go, you can be the first to read them. [laughter] you can't hurt me. ladies and gentlemen, let's get going. right here at the start i am going to share something with you people and it does not leave this room. i say this with absolute confiden